A Little Leaven

Rob Bell Claims, "Nuclear Weapons Are Ugly"

Emergent rocks star, and leader of the Mars Hill Cohort in Grand Rapids, Michigan has weighed in on the issue of nuclear weapons.

Said Bell:

"Nuclear weapons are a direct affront to God's dream of shalom for the world. Life is beautiful, and nuclear weapons are ugly."

The Pentagon responded to Bell's statement by conducting a focus group and inviting a group of post-modern poets, artists and fiction writers to give their input for making the U.S. nuclear arsenal more beautiful and shalom-like. The solution that the Pentagon has decided to implement as a result of this focus group is the repainting of all of the United States' nuclear missiles from white and camouflage to hot pink, in honor of Rob Bell's book Sex God. The military will also emblazon the word "Shalom" along the sides of each missile in big blue friendly letters.

Said one Pentagon spokesman, "The last thing the United States Military wants to do is be an obstruction to God's dream of shalom for the world."

Emergent “Holiday” Dancers

Here are the Emergent “Holiday” Dancers celebrating Rama-hanu-kwanz-mas aka the ‘good news’ that people in all religions are actually following Jesus regardless of their belief in Jesus. This Post-Modern interpretive disco dance joyously recognizes God in the "other" and compassionately reminds us that "Jesus is bigger than all of our religions and tribes".

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Pope My Ride

A little humor in honor of the Pope's visit to America.

America's Next Top Pastor

This satire is so true it hurts.

Real Preachers of Genius!

The Bible Cure for ....

We've decided that Dr. Colbert's books were missing some very important and practical cures. So we consulted our own 'medical expert' and are now offering these handy little titles.

Some Heretical Holiday Mischief

It's the holidays and there are some fun and silly sites available for all kinds of mischief. Thanks to a regular visitor to our museum we've discovered the Elf Yourself website. Rather than tell you what this site does, we thought we'd show you. Drum roll please!

For your heretical holiday pleasure we present you with these two short elf dancing segments (Baptists please don't watch these. It may be a sin.)

The "Religious Left" Holiday Dance Elves
Starring Rick Warren, Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama & Brian McLaren

Click Here to See Them Dance

Note: This dance sequence was made in "honor" of Hilary Clinton's standing ovation given to her at Rick Warren's Saddleback Church on November 29, 2007

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The Prosperity Dance Elves
Starring Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn and T.D. Jakes.

Click Here to See Them Dance

Saddleback Church Purchases Disneyland for Undisclosed Sum

The latest salvo in the Mega-Church wars has just been unleashed with Saddleback Church's purchase of the Disneyland Resort in Anaheim, California. Saddleback insiders have informed us that the purchase was prompted by Rick Warren's sagging numbers in the latest Mega Pastor Popularity Polls. The latest figures show Rick Warren polling at a disappointing 3rd place among America's Most Popular Pastors. Joel Osteen is in first place followed closely by Paula White.

Saddleback Church's Official press-release announcing the purchase said:

"We are pleased to announce the purchase of the Disneyland Resort. This strategic acquisition will usher in the next phase of Saddleback Church's growth through the creation of the most seeker-sensitive property on planet earth. This new and innovative approach to church and evangelism will draw millions of people each year who would never normally set foot in a traditional church."

Rick Warren says that the park's rides will remain intact but that the park will be renamed PurposeLand.

Said Warren, "We already have plans to begin offering multi-themed worship experiences similar to the worship venues at our main campus.

Starting this Sunday seekers can choose from among these new and immersive worship experiences.

The Jungle Cruise Worship

This eco-friendly worship venue will teach the importance of being a good steward of the Earth. Come dressed in khaki and we'll supply the pith helmet and jungle drums.

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The Pirates of the Purpose-Driven

Avast thar matey! Set sail on this high seas worship adventure.

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Spaced Mountain

This is our fastest and quickest worship venue. Services are only 2 minutes long but worshipers reach speeds of 80 miles an hour and experience up to 3 G's.

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P.E.A.C.E. Plan World
(Formerly the Small World)

Join the children of the world in learning the basics of Rick Warren's Global P.E.A.C.E. Plan in this fun whimsical family friendly worship venue.

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Ribbon cutting ceremonies for the newly acquired park will be later this week. Senators Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama have already said that they will be in attendance.

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Please Note: This post utilizes a logical type of argumentation known as Reductio Ad Absurdum. It assumes Saddleback's ideas regarding church and evangelism are true and then runs them to their absurd logical conclusions.

Here is a the graphic for a REAL Saddleback worship venue. Click Here to see source.

Do you get the point?

iBible

Drive Thru Church

Prosperity Praise

Halo Bible Study? Sure, Why Not?

Who cares if the Halo video games glorify violence, death, blood, guts and destruction. Everyone knows that Angels have 'Halos' so there has to be a Biblical message in there somewhere. So with that in mind, we are proud to announce the creation of the Halo Bible Study.

According to the creator of this relevant and fresh approach to the scriptures:

"What better way to get kids’ (and your pastor’s) attention away from the XBox and into the Bible than to frame Scripture in the context of everyone’s favorite first-person sci-fi extremely violent blood explosion extraordinaire?*

The first section of this study goes into the Master Chief not only as a hero, but as a “type” of Christ. A man who lives his life only to surrender it if necessary to defend the weak and helpless, and guided by Cortana (who might be a little like the Holy Spirit), he spends all his time pursuing excellence. When offered the opportunity to destroy all life instead of letting evil spread, he opts to destroy the evil, even if it will cost him his own life. You can’t get more Christlike than that?

The second section discusses the zeal of the Covenant–a religious cult that wants to make over all of its constituent races into one homogenous group. Of particular interest is the fact that in their zeal for “enlightenment,” they may accidentally destroy the entire galaxy and kill everyone in it. Highlighted are the virtues of moderation, tolerance, and inclusiveness."

Ah yes, there is no better place to learn about the virtues of self-sacrifice, moderation, tolerance and inclusiveness than the Halo Video Games Series. Christ's love just gushes from every rocket launched, grenade thrown and head-shot via a sniper rifle. They should probably re-name Blood Gulch to Golgotha.

Purpose-Driven Socks

These Purpose-Driven Socks are JUST like the book the Purpose-Driven Life. They are made from twisted scripture. The material is thin, cheaply made and full of holes.

But if self-centered self-help philosophies are your cup of tea then these socks were made for you.

A New Type of Church Needs A New Kind of "Decision Card"

Clicking on a 'decision' will take you to a page about that 'decision'.

Osteen Heresy Gauge

This one was too funny not to pass along.

HT: What? Um

Suggested Saddleback Venues Changes

Many people are not aware that Rick Warren's Saddleback Church is like a churchy amusement park. There are church services designed to meet a variety of entertainment tastes. Take one look at the Saddleback Venues web-page and you'll understand what we're talking about.

Sadly, times are changing and Saddleback church has not been able to keep up with the new preferred worship flavors of today's discriminating seeker. Therefore, we've developed an entire new set of Venues for Saddleback church to implement. See our proposed changes to Saddleback's Venues web page below.

Blazing Saddles Bible Study

In honor of Rick Warren's latest column entitled, Learn to Laugh where he claims that Psalm 2:4 teaches us that God has a sense of humor and that we can be more like God if we develop a sense of humor... we've created the Blazing Saddles Bible Study.

Consider this to be our small contribution to the world of Purpose-Driven / Seeker Sensitive small group study material.

(Please note that since Rick Warren likes to take liberties with how he interprets and applies the Bible, we thought that it would only be appropriate for us to do the same.)

Bible Study Material

Step One

Have Small Group Participants read Rick Warren's article entitled "Learn to Laugh" - Click Here to Read it.

Read this excerpt from Pastor Rick's article aloud:

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Psalm 2:4, “The One enthroned in heaven laughs.” Isn’t that a great verse? God has a sense of humor. God laughs! ... Do you want to be more like God? Learn to laugh. A sense of humor can preserve your sanity.

Ask each member of the group what Psalm 2:4 means to them.

Note: Read the passage for them. Do not allow them to read the passage for themselves in their own Bibles otherwise they may get confused by the negative language in the surrounding verses. Only focus on the words "The One enthroned in heaven laughs".

*Be sure to re-enforce and affirm any participant who feels like this verse is telling them to loosen up and not take life so seriously.

Step 2

Have Small Group Participants watch the "Campfire/Bean Scene" then discuss the questions below:

1. The Bible says to "make a joyful noise unto the God of Jacob" - Psalm 81:1 (KJV). Did you feel joy while laughing at this scene? Do you feel that Psalm 81:1 could be referring to the noises that you heard in the video clip, why or why not?

Note: If any participants are uncomfortable laughing at this type of humor then remind them that Psalm 2:4 teaches us that God has a sense of humor and their resistance to humor may be a sign that they are resisting the work of the Holy Spirit in their lives.

2. Since God made sex, doesn't it also logically follow that He made flatulence?

3. Can you think of any other ways that you can make 'joyful noises' to the Lord with your body?

Note: Have each member of the group demonstrate a 'joyful noise' with their body. Make sure that everyone enjoys a good belly laugh with each demonstration of a 'joyful noise'.

Reiterate the fact that God has a sense of humor and that by participating in this Bible study each person has learned to be more like God.

Battle of the Spiritual Rubber Duckies

This is an alarming development.

Those of you who've invested in the 'Colors of Faith' rubber duckies in order to promote Christianity will be shocked to learn that satan and his forces have released and entire flock of devil duckies to battle them.

These devil duckies have even hijacked the heavenly colors. This is terrible. What on earth will we do?

Emerging Pastor - vol 1 issue 1

This wee bit of satire was created by the folks at Next-Wave we're just passing it along.

When Relevance Repels People

Picking churches used to be so much easier. Back in the day you'd look for a church that preached christ-centered and cross-focused expository Bible sermons where you connected with the people. You would look for a church that taught the timeless truths of the Christian faith in a way that transcended the culture.

But, now that so many of the church's have given up trying to preach Expository Sermons and are instead trying to be relevant to non-Christians and the world, picking a church has become VERY complicated.

First you have to find a church that has a music style that you can connect with. Once you've got that list down, you have to find one the preaches on topics that are relevant for you in your situation in life. If you're single you don't want to go to a church that preaches a lot about marriage tips. If you wealthy you don't want to go to a church that preaches about the virtues of being poor in spirit. If your a college student then churches that preach about financial success and getting ahead at work would probably bore you to tears. Or as the cartoon below illustrates if a church is preaching about movies that don't fit your favorite genre then you'll probably find a different church to go to.

Benny Hinn or Benny Hill?

Spin Doctor of the Month Award

Mark Kelly, who is Rick Warren’s personal spin doctor has clearly demonstrated that he has a astonishing gift for arguing both sides of an issue and playing the persecution card when called on the carpet for his inconsistencies.

In a recent post on his personal blog entitled “Assigned a place with the unbelievers” Kelly argues against the “Once Saved Always Saved” doctrine and claims that outrageous disobedience will get you thrown out of the God’s house and cause you to be dumped in hell with the unfaithful dead.

When CRN pointed out the fact that Kelly’s arguments contradicted Saddleback Church’s doctrinal statement regarding Eternal Security, Kelly went into ‘spin mode’ and posted a new piece that claims that his original post wasn’t about losing your salvation. All the while, he was claiming that he was being falsely accused of not believing in the security of the believer.

Mark Kelly’s two posts contradicted each other so badly that we have no idea what he actually believes on the matter. As best as we can figure, Kelly believes that Christians are Eternally Secure in their salvation so long as they don't committ an 'outrageous disobedience'. If they do that then they will be numbered with the unbelievers and thrown out of God's house and be sent to hell. But this doesn't mean that they've lost their salvation because the idea that a Christian can lose his/her salvation is an insult to God even though according to Kelly they were truly believers before God sent them to hell. Sound confusing? We were so puzzled by Kelly's poistion that we've named it the "Doctrine of Eternal Confusion".

Fact is, Mark's position is soooo convoluted that we felt that he deserved an award for his efforts. So we are honoring him with the ‘Spin Doctor of the Month’ award.

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In all seriousness, the reason why Kelly's position contradicts itself so badly is because Mark is attempting to resolve the very real contradiction that exists between the Reformed doctrine of Eternal Security and the Biblical warnings regarding apostasy and its consequences.

Mark, I am not sure that the contradiction can be resolved in a way that allows you to maintain your presuppositions. However, if you allow yourself to challenge your presuppositions you will run the very real danger of truly being at odds with Saddleback's doctrinal statement. (But you are already far down that path already)

Mark, my advice to you would be to look at how the Lutheran theologians have addressed this dilema. You need more data and a different perspective.

Willow Creek Praise Song Never Actually Gets Around to Praising God

Members of Archibald Baptist Church, in Moscow Idaho have been leaving worship services feeling empty and confused ever since their music minister began weaving praise songs from the Willow Creek Association into the Sunday morning rotation.

One praise song in particular even has members confused about the actual point the song is trying to make. That praise song is “Still I Will Worship you”. The chorus of the song is reprinted below.

I will worship You in the midnight hour
I will worship You when I'm in the fire
I will worship You when all hope seems gone
I will stand and proclaim that
(Yes) You are my God
I will worship You

I will worship You I will worship You

Said one church member, “That song is a total rip off. The whole freakin chorus is written in the future tense and each stanza has a condition attached to it. So when we sing it it’s like we're telling God that we're too busy singing this song to actually worship Him right now. But, don’t worry God at midnight we'll worship you or when we're feeling hopeless or catch on fire we'll get around to it. But one thing is certain, we're not going to worship you while we're here in church singing this stupid song.”

When we asked the music minister why he would have his church sing a song that never actually praises God he told us, “There is no verse in the Bible that says that every song we sing in church has to praise God. Those people who are complaining are just immature believers who need to grow up. The reason the song doesn’t praise God is because the song isn’t about God. It’s about us.”

Me Worship. It's All about ME.

This video hits it on the head regarding the current focus of so much of so-called "Christian" Worship.