"Nuclear weapons are a direct affront to God's dream of shalom for the world. Life is beautiful, and nuclear weapons are ugly."
The Pentagon responded to Bell's statement by conducting a focus group and inviting a group of post-modern poets, artists and fiction writers to give their input for making the U.S. nuclear arsenal more beautiful and shalom-like. The solution that the Pentagon has decided to implement as a result of this focus group is the repainting of all of the United States' nuclear missiles from white and camouflage to hot pink, in honor of Rob Bell's book Sex God. The military will also emblazon the word "Shalom" along the sides of each missile in big blue friendly letters.
Said one Pentagon spokesman, "The last thing the United States Military wants to do is be an obstruction to God's dream of shalom for the world."
Here are the Emergent “Holiday” Dancers celebrating Rama-hanu-kwanz-mas aka the ‘good news’ that people in all religions are actually following Jesus regardless of their belief in Jesus. This Post-Modern interpretive disco dance joyously recognizes God in the "other" and compassionately reminds us that "Jesus is bigger than all of our religions and tribes".
It's the holidays and there are some fun and silly sites available for all kinds of mischief. Thanks to a regular visitor to our museum we've discovered the Elf Yourself website. Rather than tell you what this site does, we thought we'd show you. Drum roll please!
For your heretical holiday pleasure we present you with these two short elf dancing segments (Baptists please don't watch these. It may be a sin.)
The "Religious Left" Holiday Dance Elves
Starring Rick Warren, Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama & Brian McLaren
The latest salvo in the Mega-Church wars has just been unleashed with Saddleback Church's purchase of the Disneyland Resort in Anaheim, California. Saddleback insiders have informed us that the purchase was prompted by Rick Warren's sagging numbers in the latest Mega Pastor Popularity Polls. The latest figures show Rick Warren polling at a disappointing 3rd place among America's Most Popular Pastors. Joel Osteen is in first place followed closely by Paula White.
Saddleback Church's Official press-release announcing the purchase said:
"We are pleased to announce the purchase of the Disneyland Resort. This strategic acquisition will usher in the next phase of Saddleback Church's growth through the creation of the most seeker-sensitive property on planet earth. This new and innovative approach to church and evangelism will draw millions of people each year who would never normally set foot in a traditional church."
Rick Warren says that the park's rides will remain intact but that the park will be renamed PurposeLand.
Said Warren, "We already have plans to begin offering multi-themed worship experiences similar to the worship venues at our main campus.
Starting this Sunday seekers can choose from among these new and immersive worship experiences.
The Jungle Cruise Worship
This eco-friendly worship venue will teach the importance of being a good steward of the Earth. Come dressed in khaki and we'll supply the pith helmet and jungle drums.
The Pirates of the Purpose-Driven
Avast thar matey! Set sail on this high seas worship adventure.
This is our fastest and quickest worship venue. Services are only 2 minutes long but worshipers reach speeds of 80 miles an hour and experience up to 3 G's.
P.E.A.C.E. Plan World
(Formerly the Small World)
Join the children of the world in learning the basics of Rick Warren's Global P.E.A.C.E. Plan in this fun whimsical family friendly worship venue.
Ribbon cutting ceremonies for the newly acquired park will be later this week. Senators Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama have already said that they will be in attendance.
Please Note: This post utilizes a logical type of argumentation known as Reductio Ad Absurdum. It assumes Saddleback's ideas regarding church and evangelism are true and then runs them to their absurd logical conclusions.