This has to be one of the most frightening and ridiculous things that we have ever seen.
Do you feel your praise comin' on?
His praise is so funky.
This has to be one of the most frightening and ridiculous things that we have ever seen.
Do you feel your praise comin' on?
His praise is so funky.
Below, we've reproduced the marketing piece the Jehovah's Witnesses put together for this year's JW District Conventions. Notice anything interesting about their messaging??
JW's are now claiming (just like every other purpose-driven/seeker-sensitive church) that Jesus will help them "improve their family life, deal with life's difficult problems, draw closer to God, oppose the devil and gain everlasting life". The JW's even have a big friendly picture of Jesus smiling at you on their flyer.
So, here's the challenge. We'd like you to answer a question. Here it is:
Since JW's are now preaching the EXACT same messages that you can hear at famous mega-churches like Saddleback, Willowcreek and Granger, shouldn't we welcome them into the 'Christian Fold' and stop treating them as cultists and embrace them as fellow Christians?
We really want to hear what you have to say on this. But,... we have one rule for those of you who want to comment... If you attend a church where the lead pastor believes in "Deeds NOT Creeds" (like Rick Warren) or your pastor openly attacks the preaching and teaching of sound doctrine (like Steven Furtick), or your church's pastor only preaches seeker-sensitive self-help sermons like the ones listed above, then you are forbidden from pointing to any doctrine or creeds as a means of distinguishing 'True Christians' from 'False Christians'. If your pastor does not value sound doctrine and creeds enough to promote them and teach them from the pulpit and you keep attending a church like that, then you haven't earned the right to use doctrine and creeds as a means of distinguishing your version of Christianity from the JW's version. In other words, we won't let you get away with being hypocritical. You can't treat doctrine and creeds with contempt one minute then use them to help you the next minute. Therefore, if you attend any church that fits the above descriptions, you will be limited to proving your points using ONLY deeds. Good luck.
Many times we think that things in the Christian Church cannot sink any lower, then along comes a story that proves us wrong. This is one of them.
The Ledger, a newspaper in Florida has a story about two Christian women who've opened up a health club that features Pole Dancing. Yes, this is the very same 'pole dancing' made famous in strip clubs. Said one of these Christian women:
"We wanted to take the stigma off it. We don't do any exotic at all; we're not into that. We're two Christian women. It's not about nudity; it's about getting your body to the place you want to be and not being judged."
With the way things are going in the church it is now just a matter of time before some innovative pastor finds a way to weave pole-dancing into church. These women have already taken the first step. Below is a satirical story we've written that we are certain will become reality within the next few years.
--- begin satirical/prophetic news story ---
Abundant Life Fellowship, the church that bills itself as the church where you can "Experience God's Perfect Plan For Your Life, Today" is proudly reporting that 66 people gave their hearts to Jesus during the first performance of their new "Pole Dancing Ministry".
Several on-line discernment ministries have spoken out against the event saying that it is "inappropriate for churches to use pole dancing for evangelism."
Pole dancing which is a popular form of entertainment in strip clubs has been working its way into the main stream over the last several years with several companies and health clubs offering it as a way for women to shape and tone their bodies.
Pastor Steven Ignoble of Abundant Life Fellowship defends his decision to use pole dancing for reaching the un-churched. Said Ignoble:
"There were 66 people who came to Jesus because of this outreach event! God is the one who made the female body and I am sure that God has no problem with these women using their bodies to spread the gospel. Plus our ladies never take all of their clothes off so this is way different than what happens in a strip club. Yes, it is true that Satan has been using Pole Dancing for decades as a way to snare men into sinning. But, that is precisely why the church should be rejoicing about the fact that we've taken pole dancing away from the enemy and are using it to advance God's Kingdom. While those 'discernment' ministries are attacking us and ripping our methods...Heaven is rejoicing in the victory of 66 people having their names written in the Book of Life!!!"
Pastor Ignoble also plans to incorporate this new ministry into the regular Sunday morning praise and worship services by setting up two poles on opposite sides of the stage for these ladies praise the Lord with.
Jesus Saves! You bet he does! There's at least a buck fifty in there.
This video, produced for wiredchurches.com for the upcoming 'Innovate' conference mimics a popular 'male enhancement' commercial that aires on secular T.V. This video, like the original even uses phallic innuendo to make its point.
Apparently Pastor Dave Anderson, the creator of this video forgot to consult his WWJD bracelet before putting this together.
These Purpose-Driven Socks are JUST like the book the Purpose-Driven Life. They are made from twisted scripture. The material is thin, cheaply made and full of holes.
But if self-centered self-help philosophies are your cup of tea then these socks were made for you.
Those clever folks over at Kerusso never miss an opportunity to piggy back off of the latest fads, hit T.V. shows, product marketing campaigns or news stories.
Everyone knows about the legal trouble that Paris Hilton has had recently, so why not turn that into a
money maker witnessing opportunity by creating a Christian 'Heiress' T-shirt.
When I get to heaven my heavenly father is going to spoil me the same way Paris' daddy spoiled her.
Clicking on a 'decision' will take you to a page about that 'decision'.
"Share your love for Christ as you serve your friends with these acrylic tumblers."
We'd really like to share something OTHER than the love of Christ with the folks over at LifeWay. This is exactly the type of profiteering that just chaps our hides.
"Hey pastor. We need to put the finishing touches on our preparation for this week's service. What song would you like to go with the sermon?"
"Boys it's time for us to rock the house. I'd like you to play AC/DC's Hell's Bells."
This video first gives you the context of what this song by AC/DC is about then it shows the praise and worship band for Newspring Church playing this song during a church service.
Pastor Perry Noble, we'd like you to explain this passage of scripture to us in light of what you've brought into your church.
2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?
HT: Old Truth
No Christian toy box is complete without a DELUXE Miracle Jesus Action Figure. This action figure even comes with five loaves of bread, two fish, and a jar for turning water into grape juice. (Jesus actually turned water into wine. But, kids that are under the age of 21 should not attempt to duplicate Jesus' actual miracle.)
Beware of False Christs.
We thought we'd put together a pop-quiz. Hopefully it won't be too hard because each question is multiple choice. To make the quiz a little easier we've also provided links for all of the answers so that you can get more information before you make your decision. Are you ready? Here we go.
This is a painting depicting the crucifixion of the the Apostle Peter (click on the image to enlarge it). Church history tells us that he was martyred by the Emperor Nero in Rome. However, Peter didn't feel worthy enough to experience the same death as our Lord and savior Jesus Christ so he was crucified upside down. It took several days for him to die.
Why was the Apostle Peter martyred?
A. Because he was caught preaching a sermon series on How to Have the Greatest Sex Ever?
B. Because he was teaching people how to love themselves?
(The correct answer is C. If you thought it was A or B, then you need to read your Bible more)
The statue to the right depicts the beheading of the Apostle Paul (click on the image to enlarge it). He was also murdered by the Emperor Nero. Because he was a Roman citizen, Paul's death was 'easier' than Peter's. Paul was beheaded.
Why was the Apostle Paul martyred?
A. He stubbornly preached 'Christ Crucified for Sinners'. A message that is a stumbling block for Jews and foolishness for Greeks.
B. He was caught teaching people "How to Become a Better You" and was overheard sharing the 7 keys for improving your life everyday.
(The Answer is A. If you chose B then you are probably attending a heretical church)
Watch the video posted below. It is one of the deleted scenes from the movie Gladiator. It depicts Christians being fed to the lions in the coliseum. After viewing the video answer the question below.
Why were these Christians put to death in the Coliseum?
A. Because they were teaching that God wants people to be rich and prosperous.
B. Because they were teaching the 10 Commandments of Health and Wellness.
(The correct answer is C. If you got this one wrong please send us an email and we will pray for you.)
Question 4 - (This is the toughest one. Be sure to read all the options before you answer.)
Which message do you think he needs to hear the most?
G. That Jesus Christ died on the cross to atone for his sins and that he needs to repent and believe the gospel.
(The correct answer is G. If you got this one wrong then we REALLY need to talk. Have your Christian friends contact us and we'll schedule an intervention for you.)
Have you noticed that none of the popular American sermon themes seem appropriate in these contexts. There is a reason for that. The reason is because too many pastors are not preaching sound doctrine. Instead, they are preaching messages that tickle the ears of the unsaved in order to attract a crowd.
If you've found this quiz to be eye-opening or convicting would you please email the link to the quiz to your Christian friends and family?
Thanks to the folks at Napoleon Press we can now purchase the entire Bible printed on one page. Pull out your microscope because the text is printed in a 1 point font.
What is this Bible For?!
Are you supposed to hang it in your room so that it can ward off Vampires and Werewolves??
Imagine our excitment when we thought we'd found a great verse that nails all this Jesus Junk to the wall. The verse was perfect! It was biting! It was going to rain down judgement on all the purveyors of Je$u$ Junk and drive them to their knees in repentance.
The verse in question is found in the Message Paraphrase and cannot be supported by the original languages.
Here is the verse:
Hebrews 13:9 (The Message) - "Don't be lured away from him by the latest speculations about him. The grace of Christ is the only good ground for life. Products named after Christ don’t seem to do much for those who buy them.
We we're sooooo excited when we saw this verse. But, the the excitement only lasted 36 seconds. Here is what the verse actually says in a good translation.
Hebrews 13:9 (ESV) Do not be led away by diverse and strange teachings, for it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace, not by foods, which have not benefited those devoted to them.
When we saw that the verse is actually talking about food rather than Jesus Junk it took all the helium out of our balloon.
We'd like to have a few 'words' with the guy who created the 'Message Paraphrase'. That dude is just making stuff up and calling it God's word. (this probably explains why Rick Warren likes the Message Paraphrase so much) Maybe the Message Paraphrase needs to be featured in our collection of Jesus Junk.
Oh well. We'll just have to keep making fun of all this stuff even if we can't proof-text it with a kewl Bible verse.
Listen, we're all for teenagers reading their Bibles. In fact, we think that there is far too little Bible reading and Bible teaching among today's 'Lord of Flies' Youth Groups.
That being said, we don't think this Bible is one that we could recommend for today's teens. It seems to do nothing but cater to their sin and weaknesses.
Our favorite feature is the section called "Guys Speak Out on Tons of Important Issues". Well let's see... Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Jesus, Paul, Peter, and James were all GUYS. What those GUYS spoke out on is far more important than what the 'guys' in that feature said.
A southwest suburban Southern Baptist congregation allowed a convicted child sex offender to preach for the last few years -- despite his past, and a warning from his previous church that he might still be dangerous, the Chicago Sun-Times has learned.
In 1996, Jeff Hannah was sentenced to nine years in prison for having sexual relations with four underage girls -- ages 15 to 17 -- while a married youth minister at Crossroads Church in Libertyville.
"In our church, we believe in forgiveness," said Del Kirkpatrick, one of the deacons who hired Hannah.
In talking to the Sun-Times last week, Hannah, 42, was unapologetic about his crimes, saying his first marriage had been troubled and he'd had "urges."
"I honestly believe that had I been a college pastor, I'd slept with college girls," he said. "But I was a youth pastor. It was less about age and more about who I spent all my time with."
First, let us say that every one of us is sorely needing God's forgiveness and mercy. We praise God that through Jesus' sacrificial death on the cross all of our sins are freely and fully forgiven. We here at the Museum of Idolatry believe in and rely on God's mercy day by day and hour by hour.
Sadly, the folks at First Baptist Church of Romeoville missed an important Biblical requirement for men in the pulpit. The issue is not "forgiveness" even though Christ died for all of Jeff Hannah's sins. The issue is that Hannah's sins have made it so that he no longer meets the Biblical requirements for holding a teaching position in the church.
Here are a few of the Biblical requirements for a pastor:
1 Timothy 3:2-4 "Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity"
Tragically, Jeff Hannah's sex crimes exclude him from the category of those who are 'above reproach', 'self-controlled' and the 'husband of one wife'.
The issue is not whether God has forgiven Jeff Hannah. The issue is that Jeff Hannah's particular sins have dis-qualified him from the preaching ministry.
The Pastor at First Baptist Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma decided that for the next few weeks he's going to preach on the Gospel According to the Beatles. We think the warning words of the Apostle Paul from Galatians 1:6-9 are applicable here:
" I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting him who called you in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7 not that there is another one, but there are some who trouble you and want to distort the gospel of Christ. 8 But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel contrary to the one we preached to you, let him be accursed. 9 As we have said before, so now I say again: If anyone is preaching to you a gospel contrary to the one you received, let him be accursed.
Sorry but the Beatle's Gospel is a different gospel than the Biblical Gospel.
We've found the perfect site for you to visit during the dog days of summer.This site features a plethora of products for your pooch to share his/her/its faith. Here's a sample.
LifeWay Christian store says to:
"Radiate your faith with this garden torch."
What on earth are they talking about!?
You can barely read the verse written on the outside of this torch and once it gets dark and you light this torch there will be no way for anyone to see anything but the flame.
We have a better idea.
Why don't you try inviting your un-believing neighbors over for dinner. Get to know them a bit and THEN share the gospel with them. It will be much more effective than this lame torch tactic.
The pastor at Uprising Church in Nashville, Tennessee has learned that preaching sermons about the 'spiritual' lessons found in the movies is soooooooo much easier and more 'relevant' than preaching from the Bible.
1. You don't have to know any Biblical languages in order to exegete a movie.
2. You don't have to go to seminary to learn how to exegete a movie.
3. You can 'make up' ANY moral lesson you like from ANY movie. Just use the words "I feel that this movie is saying" before you make your point and no one will challenge what you're saying because 'feelings' are sacred. Just be sure to sprinkle your sermon with some Biblical passages and it will magically become a 'Christian' sermon.
4. The unbelieving world is more likely to show up to a church that preaches about movies instead of the Bible. Using movie preaching is a clever way to draw unbelievers to church.
5. You can eat popcorn while listening to a sermon about a movie. It just isn't as fun if you try that while listening to a sermon on a Bible passage.
Show the world that you're a big fan of the Bible with these Christian Throwback Jerseys. They feature jerseys from teams like the...
New York Nehemiahs
Los Angeles Daniels
St. Louis Colossians
and The San Francisco Genesis
We truly wish we were joking with you and just making this stuff up. Sadly, we're not.
The way this company is marketing this t-shirt makes us think that this shirt is quoting the wrong section of the Lord's Prayer.
It should read..."And Lead Us Not Into Temptation"!
If that's something you'd like to do then this plush Jesus is for you.
This sign has all the hallmarks of being an emergent campaign.
1. It teaches that all faiths lead to God - Oddly enough, Brian McLaren teaches that you can be a Christ-Follower and a Muslim or a Buddhist at the same time?
2. It says "Let's Talk" - Oddly enough Emergents are all about having conversations.
3. It is put out by a group called the Center for Peace - Oddly enough Brian McLaren and the gang are all about Peace.
The similarities are spooooooooky.
Here is a real useful item for Christians. It's a Hebrew Prayer Shawl with the Prayer of Jabez woven into it.
When was the last time you saw any Christians using Hebrew Prayer Shawls?? And didn't that whole 'Prayer of Jabez' fad die a few years ago?
Who is buying this stuff?
Has your WWJD wristband lost its effectiveness? It may be time for something stronger.
We've found that nothing scares the sin out of you better than a Jesus is Watching You Wristwatch.
With this baby on your wrist, you'll think twice about indulging your favorite vices. In fact, if you claim to be a Christ Follower and don't have this watch on your wrist, you may not even be a real Christian.
Time is ticking. Get your Jesus is Watching You Wristwatch before its too late.
Apparently, this is a bait-n-switch type of t-shirt for women to use to attract men to Christ.
Here's how it works...
1. Wear this shirt and put out the vibe that you are a 'desperate housewife'. This will make men think that you are a sexually 'loose' woman who is open to their advances. This will draw men to you like flies to horse manure.
2. Once a man moves in to 'hit on you', he'll see the fine print on the t-shirt and then you can share the gospel with him.
If we are supposed to be 'fishers of men' then this is the equivalent of a woman using herself as the bait.
If there are any men who have become Christians because of a woman wearing this t-shirt, we'd like to hear from you. Please email us at email@example.com
The Reverend Doctor Wise was into Rappin' so he thought he'd put an album out to share the faith in a relevant way. But there were several major problems with the Reverend Doctor Wise's approach to relevance.
Maybe in The Reverend Doctor Wise's day rappers attended lawn parties and played crochet on sunday afternoons but things have certainly changed since this album came out.
Today, rappers are not doctors. Rappers prefer to pass themselves off as thugs. Furthermore, rappers today don't wear ties. Who ever heard of a rapper in a suit? Rappers are ganstas and they cannot represent in a suit.
Rappers today would take one look at this album cover and say "I Ain't Into That".
The graveyard of relevance claims another victim.
This one was too funny not to pass along.
HT: What? Um
Cornerstone Church in Chandler, AZ claims that its current sermon series is "Bringing Sexy Back".
Since when is the Church of Jesus Christ called upon to "Bring Sexy Back?". This is just the latest example of a church using SEX to increase attendance.
Sadly, members of Cornerstone who normally attend the prime time Sunday services were told to attend church at different times in order to make room for all the "un-churched people" who would be drawn to church by their billboard and marketing campaign.
Cornerstone has even taken out a website entitled "How Sexy Am I?"
We suggest they spend some time asking themselves "How Sinful Am I" because Jesus didn't die on the cross so that people can have great sex lives. Jesus died for our sins.
These churches which have bought into using SEX to grow their churches need to consider bringing Jesus back.
Blogger Chris Elrod has an over the top parody piece that addresses the issue of using sex to grow your church. Warning this is NOT a family friendly link. This may be a case of the cure being worse than the illness. Click Here to See It.
Maybe Oak Hills, the church that is going to do the sermon series on the 'Gospel According to the Police', should sell these during the series.
The Police have a hit song entitled 'Every Breath You Take'. Here are some of the lyrics from that song
Every breath you take,
And every move you make,
Every bond you break, every step you take,
I’ll be watching you.
Kerusso has got to be the biggest purveyor of Jesus Junk on the planet. Their slogan is "Change Your Shirt. Change the World". Ironically they've Trademarked this slogan. Why is this ironic?
Answer: Because Kerusso is constantly ripping off or infringing on other companies' trademarks and logos for their "witness wear" t-shirts.
Their trademark infringements, aside from being downright embarrassing, borders on the criminal. Which makes us wonder how they can justify this behavior when scripture clearly says, "Thou Shalt NOT steal."
If they want to herald the kingdom of God with their "witness wear" t-shirts then they need to stop stealing the logos and marketing ideas of secular companies and create their own ideas.
The photo attached to this exhibit is a perfect example of what we are referring to. Stealing Starbuck's logo is wrong on so many levels. It may be time for a boycott of all Kerusso products. Not only that, it may be time to call the lawyers for these companies and ask them to sue Kerusso for their trademark infringements.
This is taken from a site that bills itself as "The Number 1 Site In The World For High Quality Christian Wristwatches".
This retailer may want to pass themselves off as the makers of the "Holy Rolex" But, we've double checked the scriptures and are 100% certain that Jesus never wore a wristwatch.
This time it is Oak Hills Church in Eagan Minnesota. Their upcoming sermon series is entitled The Gospel According to the Police.
Please note: The Police are not a Christian Band. Their lyrics are not on par with the scriptures and their 'gospel' (if it could even be called that) is a different gospel than the gospel of Jesus Christ. But who's going to let these pesky little details get in the way of a 'culturally engaging' sermon series designed to help grow a church?
Obviously, not Oak Hills. Here is what their site says about the series:
Each week we'll explore the music of the band "The Police" and the questions they raise about life. Sermon/song titles include:
"Hole in My Life": Everyone has to make the decision to follow Christ and stay on the path to full devotion
"Spirits in a Material World": We have to plug-in to God and others at our weekend services.
"So Lonely": We have to charge-up to become like Christ in small group gatherings.
"Driven to Tears": We have to live-out our faith by serving at Oak Hills or in our community.
"Message in a Bottle": Live a missional life.
Well this would be just fine and dandy IF the church was called to explore the questions of life raised by secular rock bands. But its NOT. Instead, the church is called to preach the word of God, preach Christ and Him crucified for sinners and teach that which is in accord with sound doctrine.
The astute and discerning Christian will also notice that the first sermon title also demonstrates that Oak Hills appears to adhere to semi-pelagianisn. That's exactly the type of bad doctrine that will land people in hell.
The people of Eagan, Minnesota may want to steer clear of this church no matter how 'culturally engaging' this church may appear to be.
When we read stories like this we just shake our heads in utter disbelief.
Here is an even scarier thought. Radical muslim extremists are hell bent on destroying Christianity and taking over the world. Sadly, few American Christians today are equipped to battle Islam and this growing threat. They're too busy being entertained in their churches, learning how to become rich through men like Joel Osteen, earning their 'purpose' from men like Rick Warren or buying sealant smudges that look like Jesus on eBay.
How on earth are we supposed to stand against Islam when this type of goofiness is ruling the day?
Somehow when the Bible talks about repenting in 'Sack Clothe' we don't think this is what it was referring to.
Inspirational Baptist Church in Forest Park, Ohio has bought themselves a water park and they are planning to build a Worship Center on the property.
Rumor has it that they are going to re-name all of the water slides and attractions with Biblical names like "Goliath", "The Serpent" and "The Back-Slider". However, there is no word yet as to which of the parks attractions will host the church's baptisms.
Watch this video about Solomon's Porch and you'll experience Emerging Confusion for yourself. This is not Christianity. This is spiritual goblidy gook.
Here are some great quotes...
"There's no like ummm like statement of belief at this church or statement of faith there's not like a set in stone theological writing that everyone in this church has to adhere to ummm because everyone does have different ideas and those ideas are important and valued..."
"Let's do communion like a house party."
"If you don't have a pot to piss in and you still have a friend to help you to like you know like help you out that's what's important."
"I see the Bible changing. I don't see it as stagnant and so for us as a community of Christians to say 'We need to believe this one thing and hold it tightly and make sure that it is never questioned'...That's a real waste of energy with all the things we could be doing in the world."
Talk about 'Seeker-Sensitive'... this church is on to something. (or should we say they are 'on something').
The name of the church is Temple 420 and here is how they describe themselves:
"A Judeo-Christian Fellowship with the belief that the Ten Commandments are the moral and spiritual guide that G-D has given us. The Fellowship holds Cannabis as a sacrament, as mentioned in both the Old and New Testament, and most specifically in Revelation 22:2 as a plant for the healing of all nations."
Yep that's right they claim to be a Bible-based Christian Fellowship. Of course they do! This makes perfect sense considering the worldly and Biblically illiterate state of American Christianity.
We think the folks at Temple 420 should join forces with the people who are putting on those Erotic Church services. If their new combined service features some really good rock music then you'll be able to find out for yourself why sex, drugs and rock n' roll have been the favorite 'worship aids' of the devil for thousands of years.
P.S. We've also heard that the number one complaint by members of this congregation is that after church they all get the munchies.